I can't believe all that life is sometimes. All that it has been, could have been, would have been. All that it might be.


I'm not sure which is harder. The struggle of what wasn't. Or facing the real seconds as they come at you. Or facing those that are yet to come.


Over this last year, the things I've feared most are those that haven't happened yet. And who's to say they even will?



My Pop died 7 days ago. In that time, I have felt mostly angry. At the circumstances that have led to me not really knowing who the hell he was. Mad that I didn't get to know him better. Mad that I let my Mom talk me out of going to Newfoundland with them this summer. REALLY mad that they[Mom, Dad, and Lauren] all have recent memories of him. And all I really know of him is how his mouth looked when he chewed, the way he grumbly mumbled words instead of speaking them, and that he made me a wooden doll crib and a wooden loon bank. I feel so outraged that I had a complete set of grandparents for the past 22 years and 11 months and didn't capitalize on the opportunity to really enjoy him. Truth be told he did live 4 time zones away. But it's quite likely that he(other than my Father) most closely resembles me--and the way that I think. I raged in my bed last week. I kicked and punched and screamed. I truly feel devastated.




I'm terrified of the future opportunities that I will have to love and to lose. Would the loving count so much if it wasn't lost eventually?







I haven't cried in a few days. I've been intentionally suppressing all emotions that do not instantly result in smiles. I know this will catch up to me eventually.


I have never missed my Dad so much in my life. I never want to lose a member of his side of the family and go through the loss so physically far apart from him. It is a form of torture I never knew existed.



I have always had difficulty believing that I'm going to live to do any of the things that I could possibly imagine myself doing. I don't know if I'm afraid to imagine them possible in case I die before they can happen...or that I think I will die early/soon...or that I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't do them?


In PSYC 3351 last week, we talked about ego-centrism. I have always been egocentric. I have always believed that my experiences are unique, that no one thinks like I do, that I have intelligence or thoughts that are 'deeper' than most people. That I am 'special'. But I have also spent the past 4 years of my life deprogramming this thought in my head. It's a really hard message to erase. Especially when feelings of 'aloneness' only reinforce this idea.




There are so many things to struggle with, I wonder if I'll ever have the time to tackle them all.

I am incredibly agitated today.

In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat
Or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust him
And learn how to see him
Someday he'll call her
And she will come running
Fall in his arms, and the tears will fall down
And she'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it
Goes to the people who stare into nowhere
Can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat
Or a song on her lips
Someday we'll trust him
And learn how to see him
Someday he'll call us
And we will come running
Fall in his arms
The tears will fall down and we'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Seems too easy to call you saviour
Not close enough to call you a god
So as I sit and think of
Words I can mention to show my devotion

I want to fall in love with you

Megan is loving, and living, and learning, and growing, and seeking, and breathing, and smiling, and twirling.



And loving every minute of it.

She's not sure when she'll go or exactly what she'll do.

I feel so fucking alone.


I sobbed tonight. In the dark.



I am frustrated and confused. I feel like I have lost touch with myself.




And I don't know where I lost it. Because I had it, quite profoundly. And only recently. So where did it go? And how did it go so quickly?



I've been nauseous for days.

"I remember the things that confuse me about you. Even when we were at our closest I always felt that you were hiding a large part of you away. Some days I thought it was dark things and some days I felt untrustworthy. It made it harder for me to want to share myself because I never understood you."


I don't trust anyone enough to reveal my whole self. I think the biggest part of this is that I don't trust myself enough to let anyone have all of me.

I'm scared. And broken. And not sure how to start..I don't want to get hurt. But more importantly I don't want to protect myself so much anymore.

I discovered this on blather today under 'when_words_rumble'.

when words rumble
through distances and mirrors
edging their way
for heart and bones

tremor for me
let the sweat run
in blood shaped drips
seep through glass
and bellow
dented sounds, like ice hitting pavement

for i will hear
all sinking waves
from me
to stone-tapped you
and i will know

i will know
and i will hear
so bleed
and make it red



I usually feel laregly unimpressed by my own poetry. But I'm rather fond of this piece.

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life looking back

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

[Chorus]

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

[Chorus]

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live


How You Live - Point of Grace

I don't know how to be a friend. Because I keep looking for perfection. And I don't have the same expectations of myself.


Because I'm not perfect. And I love me.



I think I just need to keep trying.

"Gravity" - Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

My heart is screaming out in silent tones...

I will be horrified if I learn that I can end my depression by ceasing from eating Captain Crunch.



I love Captain Crunch. It's what makes me most happy lately.





Really, I'll be eliminating all Gluten and most Dairy, but the devastation of losing CC is disheartening.


:(



(I only had 20 seconds to write. I am thinking about you, and everything you said on a daily basis. I'll write when I'm ready. Which you already know.)

I am so many things.

I had an absolute melt down last night.

The tears are finally almost here.

I'm having a really bad fucking week.

I haven't a clue what the hell is wrong with me.


Apparently, it's easier to curse your emotions out, than to deal with them.




I don't know if I can sum this up to depression. Because I don't understand how, or when, or where it would have crept in? It scares me. That I could have such little control on how I perceive and dwell in this world.


What do I know right now?

I'm just scared. And I just don't know much more than that.




I don't know what's going on.


I want to live with a fearless heart...

Make your way down the face
Of everything we know
And go so far see other places
And other people I won't know about

Breathe in deep, let it out slow
Did you hear it's all my fault again
I know why no one else knows
why I am all alone again

Make it sound so good that I won't be right
And I walk alone tonight
Outside my house and outside my mind
No matter what I say, I'm never right

Breathe in deep, let it out slow
Did you hear it's all my fault again
I know why no one else knows
Why I am all alone again

Breathe in deep, let it out slow
Did you hear... GO GO GO!
[x2]

Breathe in deep, let it out slow
Did you hear me just GO GO GO!

(Breathe in deep, let it out slow
Did you hear... GO GO GO!)
Well I will wait for you for days
Well I will wait for you for days
Well I will wait for you forever
[x2]

Every Night's Another Story - The Early November

From a very perfectly timed conversation.

"I think I will be quite content to mortify past versions of myself for the rest of my life. As long as it is in the highest integrity for everyone, and myself."

In my efforts to not have a total meltdown, I signed on to online radio.

And to my utter desperate need, I was gifted with polka dots and rain.

Followed by peace. I Can Only Imagine.


I was trying to rely on my own ability to resolve my loss of personal space. And I forgot about God's total ability to do it way better, and way faster.




And if this is total gibberish to anyone other than me, that's okay, because it makes total sense to my heart. And it starts healing.



My breath is slower. The weight is lifting.



I'm dancing. The way I should be.